


A Spiritual Ache

by melwil



Category: Spooks | MI-5
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-11
Updated: 2011-04-11
Packaged: 2017-10-17 22:37:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/182025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melwil/pseuds/melwil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Malcolm can’t remember the last time he was able to pray. Spoilers to 5.5</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Spiritual Ache

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in 2007

Malcolm sat at the back of the empty church, staring at the elaborate stained glass window dominating the wall in front of him. He pressed the palms of his hands together, and hoped that the familiar cool peace would settle over him soon.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had been able to pray, the last time he had opened his soul to whatever higher power was looking over him. There were no words of blessing or thankfulness, no cries for mercy or forgiveness. The sentiments were there, somewhere buried inside him, but he couldn’t force the words onto his lips. He couldn’t ask for the help he so desperately needed.

At first this had worried him, left him awake at night. After all, he had been brought up to be a religious person, one who put their trust in God. One of his earliest memories was of his grandmother reading to him from the Bible. In his family, prayer was supposed to come easily, was supposed to slip from his lips with ease.

Over time he had adjusted to this new situation, even if he did not understand it.

He dropped his head and thought about the people he had lost in the last year. He thought of the email which had appeared in December, the cool notification that a friend from school had died. He thought about the chaos which had swirled around Ruth’s departure and supposed death. He thought about Colin for a moment, but that ache was still too much to handle.

So in the end, it was Fiona he thought of.

He’d always found her to be a lovely person, though he didn’t always understand her. She wasn’t showy like Zoe, whose attractiveness had often left him tongue ties. She wasn’t like Sam, either, who had brought a warm bounciness along with her. Fiona’s beauty was more muted, it came from somewhere inside of her.

Fiona had always treated him like he was an equal. She was interested in what he was doing, in how he could use computers and gadgetry to help her in the field. She respected the work he did. She talked to him like she enjoyed his company.

Her absence – her death – left an ache inside him. There were other aches too, of course, for all the people who had come and gone. One of these days he’d find some way to deal with them, some way to make them a little less painful. He’d be able to ask for comfort for their families. He’d be able to ask forgiveness for not being able to do more.

He closed his eyes and allowed the words of the Lord’s Prayer to fill his mind. He revelled in their familiarity, in their carefully rounded corners. He let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding, and let the cool peace to fall over him.


End file.
